I feel like I have a strong personal connection to each of the songs in this top 50. Obviously. But I mean that there's a story to go along with my love, either their connection to my writing or to concerts I attended or to moments in my life that elevate them not only because they are great tracks from bands I love but also they stand out because hearing them reminds me of something greater than the music, something personal. This song is not that. Joy Division ended with Ian Curtis's suicide in 1980, when I was 8. And while I was a huge New Order fan in the late '80s and early '90s and that connection (New Order formed from the surviving 3 members of Joy Division) is what led me to Joy Division, I can't think of any story about this song in particular that matters to me other than it's just a great fucking song. An all-time classic, of course. And one of a handful of songs from 1980 or earlier to make this chart.

Walk. In silence.
Don't walk away. In silence.
​See the danger, always danger
Endless talking, life rebuilding
Don't walk away
​Walk in silence.
Don't turn away, in silence.
Your confusion, my illusion.
Worn like a mask of self-hate
Confronts it and dies.

People like you find it easy
Naked to see, walking on air
Hunting by the rivers, through the streets, every corner
Abandoned too soon, set down with due care​

​Don't walk away, in silence.
Don't walk away.

"Atmosphere" - Joy Division // Atmosphere/She's Lost Control UK Single (1980)

If you came to the site anything but randomly, you'd be aware that my second novel was titled THE BEST HARDCORE BAND IN PA. And it was, indeed, inspired by this song by The Mountain Goats which came out in 2002, when The Mountain Goats was just John Darnielle, and All Hail West Texas described his experiences living there (I'm not sure when). This particular song's lyrics are about a time when John volunteered or worked at some kind of youth facility and met kids in difficult situations, and I can't remember now whether the exact scenario in this song was fictional or based on kids he met (I think the latter) but it inspired me to expand on the story of Cyrus and Jeff and make it my own.

My first attempt was to match the match the song completely, with the story set in Denton, Texas, and the metal band aspect included, along with the religious overtones, but since I had only been to Denton once in my life and I didn't actually enjoy listening to death metal, I found that version difficult to write. Around the time I was penning the novel, though, I was starting work at a new employer (my current employer), based in York, PA, which is a pretty nondescript township in south-central Pennsylvania, closer to Baltimore than Philly, that seemed to have a boatload of churches, particularly on the way south from there into rural Maryland / bordering on West Virginia. I thought it was the perfect setting for this novel and settled on subsection of the township called "Dallastown, PA", largely because of the Texas connection. I did spend some time on my visits to my company in Dallastown and the surrounding areas to perfect the setting but it's definitely an exaggerated version, I'm sure. It's just the anti-gay and anti-"metal music" pro-Jesus town fervor in my novel would not make sense at all where I live (Hudson County, NJ) but it was a setting / area I knew well enough to write about. As far as the death metal portion, I switched to "hardcore" bands like Fucked Up, which I kind of liked at the time I was writing that version (mid 2010s) and that version got me my agent which eventually led to my first novel being published in 2020 (I WILL BE OKAY) but that version of Hardcore PA never actually sold.

When my first novel was getting published, COVID had hit and I was looking to start a new novel, having finished a "horror witch story" that never went anywhere and to fill my time between marketing attempts during COVID for I WILL BE OKAY. I was watching a lot of YouTube concert videos at the time (since I couldn't go to concerts anymore - a true horror story - during COVID) and watching a lot of Joyce Manor. And the energy of the audience and my own excitement/joy at watching those moments (and dreaming of attending concerts again) got me to rethink HARDCORE PA into more of a punk/hardcore direction, incorporating bands I actually liked, including Joyce Manor, Cloud Nothings, and Japandroids. None of these are actual hardcore bands but they're definitely heavier rock (especially the latter two) than my typical indie rock bands and they definitely are awesome live (at least the first two, Japandroids I've only seen once or twice) and would a couple teenage boys from "rural" PA think they're hardcore? Sure. So that's what I went with and writing about those bands and those songs and those concerts opened up a joy in the writing that I think had been missing from the original version (which publishers called "too adult" for YA). I also edited/toned down the evil of Jeff's stepfather (he's still evil enough) and added the whole 2 year time jump that occurs 2/3rd of the way through and the new setting the ends the novel (Manhattan Beach, CA). That version is what got published and it's all pretty far now from the song that made the list in the Top 50 of all time, but the kernels of inspiration and at the very least the names still apply.

Hail Satan.

the best ever death metal band out of denton were a couple of guys, who'd been friends since grade school. one was named cyrus, and the other was jeff. and they practiced twice a week in jeff's bedroom.

the best ever death metal band out of denton never settled on a name. but the top three contenders, after weeks of debate, were satan's fingers, and the killers, and the hospital bombers.

jeff and cyrus believed in their hearts they were headed for stage lights and leer jets, and fortune and fame. so in script that made prominent use of a pentagram, they stenciled their drumheads and guitars with their names. this was how cyrus got sent to the school where they told him he'd never be famous. and this was why jeff, in the letters he'd write to his friend, helped develop a plan to get even.

when you punish a person for dreaming his dream, don't expect him to thank or forgive you.
​the best ever death metal band out of denton will in time both outpace and outlive you.

​hail satan! hail satan tonight! hail satan! hail hail!

"The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton" - The Mountain Goats // All Hail West Texas (2002)

This is the song that's at the top of my blog site, and was the featured quote at the top of my old blog, and people used to ask me what it means--that specific line--or why it means so much to me. And to me it's friendship. Or love, or connection with another human being, in whatever way you're connected. It's the story of someone coming home, or coming over, and the friend is already in bed, already sleeping, done for the night, but they get up to drink with them instead. To hang out with them. To continue living, not sleeping through life again. This was an inspiration to me after I (largely) slept through much of my 30s. Remembering being in my 20s and not caring that I didn't sleep, not caring that I would be exhausted for work the next day, or school, or some other responsibility. Just getting up and spending time with someone you cared about. I lived my 40s with this as a mantra and it was glorious. I'd love to say that now in my 50s it has continued but it really hasn't. Almost every night when I go to bed (too early, because I get up at 5:30/6 so I can get a bunch of "the house is quiet" work done before Elie wakes up for her walk at 8) Mike asks me to stay up later with him, to just be with him, not drinking or anything, just watching whatever movie we started that I've started to fall asleep during, or that he's already fallen asleep to, and I almost always say no. Or I'll give him another 15 or 20 minutes and then he'll inevitably come upstairs as well but the point is--I don't live by the Younger Us mantra anymore and maybe it's okay. I enjoy waking up early. I love getting stuff done--my work, my writing, my workouts, early in the day, so I feel accomplished and I'm not rushing around as much in the evening--I can go out, I can have fun, but the downside (and it's significant) is if the fun lasts past 10 pm, I'm going to be tired the next day and that's not as fun as it once was. So maybe it's not okay. I don't know. I don't know that I can go back to that life--especially with Elie. But I do miss it. I really, really miss it. A few times recently I've been up until 1 am because of concerts and I love the feeling, I really do love coming home on a late L train or PATH train, it reminds me so much of so much of what I did in my 40s in Hoboken. But this time, now? I'm still up at 6 and my next day is wrecked. So I can't do it too much anymore. Anyway, I love this song.

Remember when we had them all on the run
And the night we saw midnight sun
Remember saying things like "we'll sleep when we're dead"
And thinking this feeling was never gonna end
Remember that night you were already in bed
Said "fuck it" got up to drink with me instead!​

​Gimme that naked new skin rush
Give me younger us
Gimme that you and me in a grave trust
Give me younger us
Gimme that girls learning love, wild and free
Give me younger us
Gimme my boys and I swimmin' through the streets
Give me younger us

"Younger Us" - Japandroids // Celebration Rock (2010)

Off their first full length, discovered by me after falling in love with In the Aeroplane over the Sea, three years after its release, which was 5 years after On Avery Island's release, this song was an instant all-time classic for me, just a slow build "Gardenhead" first half that explodes into one of the greatest tracks ever recorded. I had the honor of seeing them, a few times on various reunion tours (they didn't do many but I went to many venues to see theme) but the most memorable was their appearance in Jersey City, at the old Loews theater, and since I was living in Hoboken at the time, I walked over and waited in live with other insanely excited fans insanely excited to see a band that clearly meant the world to them, but that had disappeared when Jeff Mangum dropped off the face of the public earth, and it felt like a religious experience, watching them. Reveling in these songs.

"Gardenhead-Leave Me Alone" - Neutral Milk Hotel // On Avery Island (1996)

I was at the Gold Sounds bar in Bushwick last week. The venue has a room in the back of a bar for concerts. The bar and the concert room are roughly the same size. Between acts I would come out to the bar and watch the Knicks first Finals game until the next band came on. By the end of the concert you couldn’t even walk through the bar it was so packed--wall to wall with fans. I had to push my way through to get outside. Easy 100+ people in a tiny space. The concert ? Me and 15 close friends watching Doused and Sparkler and a couple openers that were also strong. Loved the night, had a wonderful time. At some point in my life I would have been at the bar watching the NBA (even though I'm not a Knicks fan or NBA fan). But now? I am satisfied going to tiny shows for bands few people know because I love their songs and want to support them any way I can.  This has nothing to do with Pavement, of course, other than the name of the venue was obviously taken from this song, one of their all time classics and one of five (5) FIVE! top 50 songs for the band.

"Gold Soundz" - Pavement // Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)