#290 (of 365) "Secret of the Easy Yoke" Pedro the Lion

Sometimes I forget how long I believed in God. The Christian God-dude of my Catholic upbringing. All-knowing, all-powerful, kind of a massive dick in the Old Testament, so the priests and my CCD teachers liked to focus on Jesus and the New Testament, helping the poor and the sick and caring for one's neighbors. I will not get into a discussion of the current version of the Republican Party's relationship to Jesus's teachings--they are VERY Old Testament focused--but that's what I learned and that's what I believed, without question, going to church once a week while living with my parents to almost never once I graduated high school. But I still prayed every night--in retrospect, to myself--even when I wasn't attending church and began to doubt the Catholic religion's teachings as I came to terms with my sexuality, which the Church was quite opposed to, unreservedly, back in the 90s. Anyway, right around the time I was turning 30, I think, I was still a believer and still "Catholic" and still praying and I distinctly remember promising "God" that I would start attending church again if he let me win a fantasy championship one year. I did win. And I started attending church again. I went every Sunday to the Catholic church in Dayton, NJ, down the road from my house, and it wasn't so bad, it was almost comforting. Reminding me of my youth maybe. The smells and the sounds and the routines of the church. And then, at the end of one of the services, they passed around a flyer encouraging us to write or call our NJ senators to insist they vote for a Federal Marriage Amendment, codifying in our constitution discrimination against same-sex couples. I walked out of that church and never went back there again. I've been in other churches since--for weddings and funerals--but never for a service by choice. And what started as anger at the Catholic Church led me to first explore other more welcoming denominations and then, almost naturally, led me to question the entire belief system I was raised with in the Catholic Church, up to and including the existence of God. 

I did a bunch of research, read a bunch of books, and once the veil of illusion over the existence of an all-powerful omniscient "god" with an interest in the lives of humans (what is taught in all Christian religions) is lifted, you realize it's all a lie, with not only no evidence to support the proposition, but in fact, quite obvious counter-evidence that the whole thing was made up--just like Christians think of Mormonism, or Islam, or Jews think of Christians. All of it. All religion is made up. And most of the history of religion is really really bad and caused really horrible things in this world, up to and including the hatred of gays that exists to this day (for some, not most of the country at least). So, after a couple years of doubts, I pretty much became an atheist, and it's not even something I think about anymore. I really don't. It used to weigh on my mind but man, how freeing life has become without some imaginary "friend" over my shoulder that I was trying to please with my actions. It has made me a better person, more caring, more giving, and wanting more and more to live my life to the fullest--knowing now this is my only life, that there isn't any fake afterworld of angels and harps because that's all fiction, because the Bible is fiction, and all of it everywhere is a lie we tell our children to keep them in line. 

Anyway, sorry for the long rant, but I'm reminded of my long-ago battle with my own doubts 20+ years ago when I listen to this song by David Bazan aka Pedro the Lion, who has admitted being a highly devout believer and eventually became--well, I don't want to quote him wrong, but at least agnostic about the existence of god. This song--this beautiful magical song--is very squarely about that doubt creeping in. And its' one of the greatest songs of all time.

I could hear the church bells ringing
They pealed aloud your praise
The members faces were smiling
With their hands outstretched to shake
It's true they did not move me
My heart was hard and tired
Their perfect fire annoyed me
I could not find you anywhere
Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall

I still have never seen you
And some days I don't love you at all

The devoted were wearing bracelets
To remind them why they came
Some concrete motivation
When the abstract could not do the same

But if all that's left is duty
I'm falling on my sword
At least then I would not serve
An unseen distant lord
​
Could someone please tell me the story
Of sinners ransomed from the fall
I still have never seen you
And some days I don't love you at all
If this is only a test
I hope that I'm passing
'Cause I'm losing steam
And I still want to trust you
Peace be still
Peace be still
Peace be still
Peace be still