#42 (of 365) "Wasted Days" Cloud Nothings

​I must have had a heart attack, my doctors said. I had a complete 100% blockage of my Left Anterior Descending artery, the largest artery in the heart, which supplies 50% of the blood to the left ventricle. A significant obstruction starves this vital pumping muscle of oxygen, demanding immediate attention. The artery is known colloquially as the "widow maker" because, if you do have a heart attack caused by it, the odds of survival are much lower than in other blockages. I don't actually know that I had a heart attack. I certainly was not aware of any event and it's definitely just a conjecture on my doctors' parts, because they also didn't really know how I was just up and around functioning (fairly) normally in the months preceding my surgery.

But I think I know the answer and several medical professionals have backed up my theory when I've mentioned it. Seems to be that the blood found its way through other arteries to the left ventricle and they were able to do this because I was in such (otherwise) great cardiovascular health. Because exercise. Because I've been a runner for the past 30 years. And almost definitely because last summer when the symptoms started coming (and someone should have sent me to a cardiologist sooner) I became an obsessed cyclist and workout and diet king, to combat a separate (but not separate) suddenly incurable bought of GERD (excessive belching all the time).

And it worked--with the GERD at least. I stopped belching so much when I cut out what I liked to say "anything that tastes good" but it turned out to be less a diet and more a complete lifestyle change, focused not on only good foods exclusively but also constant exercise. I'd always eaten pretty well, but cheated quite often, so I turned the "quite often" into "never" (because anytime I slipped up last summer I had a horrible bought of GERD so it wasn't fucking worth it) and ate less, definitely, and lost 30 pounds. It was too much, probably, but by November I'd discovered the heart problem and was afraid to eat or do anything. And I also went from an exercise routine for the past 30 years of "run 3 to 4 times a week, unless it's too cold, or rainy, or my knee hurts, which is often" to "work out 5 to 6 times a week no matter what".

I couldn't run last summer because of the GERD. So Mike and I bought him a bike (he'd been asking for one for some time) and then he never used it and I used it every day, biking up to 10 miles 3 to 4 times a week and mixing in weights and indoor bike workouts at the complex gym in between. And that worked well until I started getting the GERD on the bike rides (I would start belching uncontrollably so I'd have to slow down my ride to breathe, which in retrospect, was because my fucking artery was somewhere close to 100% blocked) but yes I became a workout / exercise fiend going super hard and regularly getting 400 to 500 "zone" minutes on my FitBit weekly (where in the past I rarely got about 300 minutes) and yeah that was like 7 or 8 hours a week of heavy, hard exercise with a blocked artery. And I think that truly saved me. Not only because the heart was strong enough to find a way around the blockage but also because the reflux on bike rides convinced me to see a gastroenterologist in early August (I'd seen my regular doctor back in May, was on some meds and changed my diet but didn't see a specialist until August).

Anyway, he scheduled an endoscopy and said I would need clearance from my regular doctor because I was experiencing breathing issues. My regular doctor did an EKG, which did not look "normal" so he recommended a cardiologist, I went to the one I went to back in 2019 when my annual physical produced an abnormality (I forget in what) but back then they gave me a clean bill of health/heart so somehow I went from that to complete blockage in 6 years but anyway, after a series of failed tests, I got the results in early November that I would need surgery and "maybe" a stent if they couldn't just blast out the plaque but no one expected 100% blockage that my surgeon found on Thanksgiving Eve last fall. So I got the stent. Had terrible post-surgery symptoms for a couple months (largely related to the statin I was on at the time -- insane stomach cramps that I hadn't had through all the GERD) but now, 7 months later, heart is great, stomach is great (I'm off the statin), my LDL went from an "excellent" 69 back in September -- which wasn't good enough to stop the blockage, due to family history issues -- thanks Mom & Dad! -- to 35 this May (off the charts good), and the GERD is much, much less a problem, although I finally go for the endoscopy next week.

And on the bright side, I'm still at the same weight (well I've gained back 5 to 7 pounds from my "too low" 30 pound loss, so I'm at a very healthy weight) and I'm back now (fully recovered) to exercising 5 to 6 days a week. Which lately has been 1) Running 3 miles (I can run again!) once a week 2) Biking 12 to 16 miles (3x a week), and 3) gym weights, light cardio (1 to 2x a week). My VO2 Max, according to my Fitbit, is my highest recorded (it's only been recording for a couple years) at 46.9, which is "excellent" for someone 40 to 49. I am not 40 to 49 (I'm just a "touch" older, so it's "above excellent?" for someone my age). That's a measure of endurance and it's accurate in the sense that I'm not even tired after a 16 mile bike ride (cardiovascularly). Do my legs hurt? Absolutely. My back? Yes. But it's like I've been exercising with a blocked artery for the past ?? years and now I can breathe again. And it's magical.

Roughly 15 years ago I was dealing with another health issue, which was less life-threatening but way worse for me. I had a truly "incurable" toe pain issue that never got properly diagnosed, ended up in a surgery that made things so much worse and for over a year I couldn't even drive a car with my right foot or wear a sock, let alone a shoe, without pain. Every night the pain got worse. And I was single, living in the suburbs, and just not in a great mind space. I'd decided to sell my townhouse and move within the same central Jersey suburb but after all the toe crap, I just wanted/needed a bigger change. So when the house sold, I found an apartment in Hoboken, a place I would park my car at to go to concerts in the city and always thought was cool, mostly for its proximity to the city. By the time I moved there, the toe issue had improved dramatically (I won't get into all the details on how here) and I had started seeing Mike (although we were not boyfriends yet) and I had a friend who lived in Hoboken so it made it easier and I was also taking a writing class in Manhattan where I met a bunch of new friends I still have 13 years later.

Anyway, that first year in Hoboken I heard this song for the first time (it had come out a year earlier). And it changed my life. I really did think "I would be more than this". I really did have higher hopes for my life than living alone with toe pain in a crappy townhouse in central Jersey. But after moving to Hoboken, I did become more than this. I got 2 books published. I found my life partner. I made great friends in the City and stayed close to my old friends from the suburbs. I went to dozens of concerts every year, and I've since seen Cloud Nothings play this song at least a dozen times. And my health (unsurprisingly) improved, at least until last summer. But I didn't let it hold me back then, I went hard at changing my diet and exercise routine and it may have saved my life. And now? I'm going to do this diet and exercise routine for the rest of my life. I don't want to waste a single second of a single day anymore, and I've lived with that feeling for 13 years now. Even more since November. 

Cloud Nothings played in May at the Music Hall of Williamsburg, which opened in 2014 or 2015, right after I moved to Hoboken, and is closing at the end of this year. So that may have been the last time I'll ever go there for a concert and I used to go there all the time. Williamsburg has changed dramatically over the past decade, from a hipster enclave with some pockets of grit and cool, underground bars to, basically, SoHo by the water. I don't go there much anymore. But Cloud Nothings closed with this song at their show and I jumped into the pit, stent in my heart and all.

​Wasted Days no more.

I know my life's not gonna change
And I'll live through all these wasted days
Never thought that I'd end up this way
And I know it's gonna stay the same.
​
I thought
I would
Be more
Than this.

I know I'm losing all my time
Can't believe that it was all mine
Feeling sick but I don't know why
Getting tired of living till I die.

I thought
I would
Be more
Than this.

I thought
I would
Be more
Than this.

"Wasted Days" - Cloud Nothings // Attack on Memory (2012)